...how I got the referral....and some reflections..

...managed to get a very good night's sleep last night after the sleepless night of waiting for pictures of Matteo....now I begin the wait for the medical. An "official" referral can't take place until the medical is received, seen, understood and then acceptance is formalized with the social worker and then with the Ministry of Children here in Ontario, which I believe then issues a letter of no objection to the Adoption and then this gets sent to Vietnam where some additional paper work is done. Additionally in Vietnam another process kicks in whereby they need to do Police checks etc...to make sure that this child has no family or noone in Vietnam who is willing to take responsibility for him. I know that, as I've said to a few of you, and those in the adoption community know, that sometimes there are failed referrals for all kinds of reasons etc....so until the G&R ceremony in Vietnam, I will still be holding my breath.....but at the same time enjoying all the wonderful feelings of anticipation, fear, excitement, wonder, hope, anxiety, joy, sadness, and love....

A few of you have asked what I felt when I first saw the photos...well I think, again I held my breath and looked at him without breathing....I started to cry, both because of joy but I quickly felt sad that anyone would have to be in a position to give him up so of course I was thinking of the birth mother and wondering about her circumstances that made her make this decision that for her must have been terrible, and on the other hand, that decision is why I have been given this gift...I hope I learn more about the circumstances of why and how Matteo has now become my son ( I can't imagine him not being my son)....so will wait and hope to get that information in time....anyhow after these thoughts, of course as many of you have stated, I blew up the photos as large as I could on my computer and studied every inch of him....and of course noticed his 'barbie' t-shirt....I remember thinking, this will be a good story to tell him and how even at a young age he believed in equality...that his gender socialization allowed for a boy to dress in what we might think are girl clothes....but of course I know this is probably more of a reflection of his social class, perhaps his family had only these clothes because maybe there was another girl in the family....etc etc...as you can appreciate the unkown, allows for much speculation but none of it is valid until I get more info...
... As for the referral...it seems that there have been a few referrals this week after a mostly dry spring of few to no referrals...so I am happy to have this to share with other expectant parents....

Anyhow as to Friday and referral day.....as you may recall the day before when I received the phonecall and my cell was dying...well Thursday in anticipation, I forgot to charge my battery (as you can imagine I don't so my cell phone often)...so on Friday, while I could have called in to get my messages, it was such a busy day and we had a staff meeting at lunch such that there was no time and I knew I could deal with this when I got home....well I got home a bit later as a few students stayed behind to ask questions on an assignment that is due on Monday and I got home later than planned and indeed there was a message from D. waiting for me (she had called at 9:30), asking me to call her in the Montreal office. I called...and was told that she had "left for the day"....I think I mumbled something like "ohh no, does this mean I'll have to wait until Monday....and then something like "I'm close to getting some good news, is there any way to reach her"....the person on the phone said he would try to call her at home and my sinking heart had a bit of a lift. I thanked him so much but after I hung up stood there thinking ...how am I going to make it through the weekend!. and then the phone rang...it was D. calling me from her cell, in her car, on her way home.....and she told me that she had a referral for me....my conversation with her is a bit of a blurr...I do remember saying to her, after she said she had a referral...that I said I should sit down for this and then she gave me a few details....with my shaking hand I wrote his name down and then wasn't sure I got it right...and then she told me that she would send photos....I think I asked about the social worker and she stated that none of the paperwork can be processed without the medical....so that I could wait but that she would tell her colleague that they could proceed....she asked about travel as this was an issue we had discussed early and I told her that I was working things out for the fall so that I could be flexible and travel whenever they say it is fine to go and pick up my little boy..I think I thanked her quite a few times......after I got off the phone I cried. After pulling myself together I called each of my three sisters and told them the news first as they were going to be aunts once again......and of course then I shared the news with other family and close friends......

It has been wonderful to have so much support as it has been a lonnnnnnnnnnngggg journey thus far...many in the adoption community have continued to offer encouragement along the way, and now lovely comments on Matteo's photo....and so generous of friends to already share in my joy by offering to help.....one friend said she will start working on Matteo's special quilt...another said she wanted me to have one of her son's snowsuits which would be perfect for Matteo, another said she'd be willing to come to travel to Vietnam and be my photographer of the adoption and another friend wished his circumstances were different so that he too could accompany me to pick up Matteo.... Grazie A. B. R. and D....many others have offered to pray for us and have blessed us with their thoughts.....as well one of my sisters asked about a shower, when we could plan that....so so so nice to know that Matteo has so many people that are already looking after his needs. While I know I will be his mommy, I also know that he will never belong to me but instead is a child of God and I am being given both the responsibility and joy of loving him, nurturing him and helping him to grow, make and find his place in this vast and wonderfully complicated world we live in....and for that I have much gratitude....

I have always loved the poetry of Khalil Gibran....and I have been thinking about this poem through some of the waiting and have been thinking about it alot since yesterday and will end with reposting it here.....

On Children by Kahlil Gibran (1923)

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.