Praying for sure. This has been a trying week! As I wrote in my last blog post there were some questions on the file that the Ministry had….all answers were given as of Thursday morning, and now I wait. All timelines seem to be off now, in flux, unpredictable…each step has taken its twist and turn, each step has chipped away at my heart a little bit and knotted my stomach a bit more…
...even my sleep is now off….part of me thinks I should have taught summer school as I planned. I would have had a classroom full of adolescents to think of and prep and marking and no time to do all the worrying I've done. I know it will all work out in the end, (at least that's what I keep telling myself) I know it will deep in my heart, but this process, oh this process, what an inhumane process!! I remember at the beginning or part way through my first home study, I remember my sw (or I think it was her) asking me if she thought that as an adoptive parent I would then become an advocate for adoption etc. At the time I may have said something glib like, well I know I will be an advocate for my child and my child is adopted so in some instances, maybe I will…..however now, and after all the paperwork is done and all the t's are crossed and i's are dotted, I will definitely see what and who I can speak to about some of the things that have gone on….I will not write about them now, as for now I am just trying to survive them….and in the greater scheme of life, they are not life threatening etc….but they sure are life altering….a child is waiting and a match has been made and still we are made to wait, we are made to still answer questions that have been asked and answered…but I'm saying too much……more later….
…all to say I don't think travel will be as soon as hoped…I am even trying to prepare myself for the possibility that I may not travel until September if things continue as they are!! I may even start work and then have to leave shortly after??? As a teacher the timing would be awful but I wouldn't be the only one who has done this….and for Matteo I guess starting and getting settled is better than missing the beginning….but oh, it would have been so wonderful if at least the timing for the travel and the adoption would have worked to get Malia home sooner, for us to have some family time together before Matteo heads back to school…but that dream is slowly fading…for now I am just praying that the paperwork hurdles are not as daunting as this week has felt…..I referred to it as labour pains, nausea, feeling so unsettled, so disturbed, the ground below me is shifting, I know it will as life as a family as we know it will change, but oh the breaking of the ground beneath my feet is breaking oh so slowly and my feet are trying to find a firm place to stand…it is making me feel so so very vulnerable for me and my family. There has to be another way, there has to!
…for now I am hanging on to Matteo, his day camp is over and we are home together now. That is good and I hope to make the most of it as this will be our last time as a family of two (I hope), and I pray, I pray daily every moment, to take away the anxiety I feel, to help me live in this moment, to enjoy this moment, to still my heart……to let instead my heart stay open to the mysteries of life and the miracles of unplanned roads we travel.
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