This afternoon while Matteo slept I reviewed and added some information requested to the homestudy update that I received late last night. Sent it back to th sw and hoping that it can be submitted to the agency sometime next week! Will be a relief to have this portion completed. While I have heard from others that the update is usually a quicker process which it has been, and somewhat less stressful, which it has been, it was still for me, longer than anticipated and more stressful than I would have liked. I am sure I am forgetting the stress of the first time around and it probably does not compare to this...however, the whole adoption process is fraught with so much uncertainty. It challenges your confidence on so many levels to have to have someone, or I should say, many approve you etc. While on the one hand we are told that the process is supposed to make sure that you are ready to adopt, it can be both a humiliating as well as humbling process. I remember during the first homestudy, it was so hard not to keep thinking of how when couples conceive, no one is there to check whether they are ready or whether their home is ready for a child....from what I hear from many parents, especially for the first, many find it overwhelming so how do you prepare, and/or how does the ministry really know if any of us is ready by all the questions that are asked of us.
I often remind myself of when I was earning my Bachelor of Educationa and teacher's diploma. When someone meets me, they often think I am very shy, and /or introverted and of course finding out I'm an artist, it is easy to understand that I do enjoy spending time with myself etc. However some initial assumptions can often be deceiving. I enjoy meeting people one on one when it comes to personal relationships and even working relationships. My cousellor in teacher's college apparently was very worried about me, in relation to whether I would make it through the program and really teach a class and motivate a group of students. He told me this of course after he saw me teach during my first practicum and told me that in front of the class I seemed to become this other person, so comfortable and natural in the role and so good at it. He told me he misjudged me and knew that I would become a good teacher and was no longer worried. However after that first practicum a couple of the other colleagues who were enrolled in the program, ended up hating the practicum and feeling like all thumbs. We tried to encourage them to stay knowing that it takes time; however, they withdrew. The moral of this story is, when all is said and done, all the theory, all the reading, all the preparation, all the trying to be ready, sometimes does not ensure that you will be a good teacher, and/or a good parent. Those two colleagues who withdrew were quite strong with the educational materials etc...and many of the cousellors were surprised that they left. So, when it comes to parenting, I think it can be like this. Preparing is good, but the true test of when you'll be a good teacher is when you're in front of that class and your instincts have to be there to be able to deal with all that you need to deal with. Most of the time it takes time to find out the kind of teacher you want to be after trial and error and many mistakes. As I have often said, I learned how to be a good teacher from my students....
..as for parenting, I knew I was as prepared as I could have been for Matteo, and I definitely took to mothering like a fish to water, but that doesn't mean I haven't made and I'm sure will continue to make lots of mistakes. Matteo also continues to teach me about what he needs, sometimes by trial and error and sometimes my instincts get it right. I know I have always wanted to be a mother, but did I know I could be a good mother to a little boy who was born half a world away to another woman? Do I now know that I can do the same for another child, if I am entrusted with one? All I can say for certainty is that I really want another child and will do my best to care for her/him as I do for Matteo. If I falter, as I will, I can draw strength from many places, and pick myself up and never stop trying. Just the other day I said to Matteo, if there is one thing you learn from me then I want it to be that you should never give up, always pick yourself up, and keep trying whatever it is that you are working towards. I remember telling him that a lot when he was learning to walk and would fall and get very frustrated with himself. I'd help him to pick himself up and told him if he kept trying he would get it...and he did. I remember how proud he was the day he took his first steps.
Isn't that what most parents (whether they parent through adoption or biology) try to do themselves, good and bad, pick themselves up and continue to parent even when they're not sure they're making the right decisions....that is the only certainty I know today that I will not give up trying to be a good parent to Matteo and will do the same for a second child too. I also know I will never give up encouraging Matteo to be all that he can be and when he gets frustrated will continue to encourage him to try.
So Happy Birthday Canada! I hope you're ready for one more Canadian!!
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