"When nothing is sure, everything is possible"

I was supply teaching today and behind the teacher's desk was a small plaque that had this inscription on it..."When nothing is sure, everything is possible." It made me feel very calm....I guess I have been feeling that not much is sure in my life these days and especially the adoption....however the inscription is much more positive than I've been feeling, so I will try to hang on to that sentiment.

I've been thinking a lot about my parents these days....of course father's day is approaching; however, I think my parents are quite tied to my reason to adopt....my paternal grandfather was a "foundling"....a child left at the steps of an orphanage (probably run by nuns) many years ago in southern Italy. Therefore the unknown history on one side of our family has always been a given....I've written this elsewhere, and will repeat it here....when I was studying art, and learned of the Italian Renaissance artists, I used to imagine that perhaps I was the descendant of a famous artist and hence the reason for my gift of being able to draw etc....however I'm sure my grandfather's parents had much more humble lives, mostly tied to poverty, just as I know some of the reasons for children often being left at the gates of orphanages in Vietnam, or at hospitals. It is because of this connection that I have felt very strongly about adoption and especially adoption from a country where my child's life may have a similar early experience to that of my own grandfather.

My mother on the other hand raised the four of us, and then ran a home daycare. As I lived with my parents for many years, I remember how attached we got to these children who had no family links so I know it is definitely possible to grow to love a child that is not biologically tied to me. So I know that these connections and experiences are what I feel led me in this direction. Additionally of course my parents left a country they loved in search of economic stability elsewhere and that elsewhere was Canada. If they could have stayed in Italy they would have, but they chose, or life chose for them, and their lives and ours took a different road. I remember one of my mom's favourite songs when I was a child, it was actually a popular song that had Spanish words but easily understood in Italian...(I'm sure my mom didn't understand much of the English words).... "Que Sera, Sera, whatever will be, will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera"..." A friend reminded me of it today...it connects a bit with the title of today's blog.....and again made me think of my mom and the threads that weave through our lives and push us in different directions, but also continue to connect us to our past, or I hope so anyhow.

I've posted below a couple of pictures, one is of a celebratory Asti Spumante, my favourite sparkling wine. As I saw on another blog where they have their own bottle waiting for celebrations once they get a referral, I realized many of us probably have the same ideas....so I photographed the bottle that has been sitting in my fridge for many many days, and also photographed it with old photos of my parents, dated probably when they first came to Canada. The photo at the top is a picture of all of us...I'm the baby in my dad's arms. I hope that whatever will be in my future includes a child, and if not, I will try to accept that in the same way my parents accepted an unknown life and a hopeful beginning in a newly adopted country....che sera sera, whatever will be, will be.....

Citizenship Extension letter sent today....

Well the day started with a trip to the airport to greet baby Van with his parents....I love airports, the excitement of departures and arrivals....it was very happy to see that this long journey ended positively for one family and offers lots of cautious hope for me... so I was very happy for them. There were 3 other adoptive families there and all with little boys!!.......The rest of the day was a bit lazy, part rain, part sunshine, an afternoon nap and then to writing my letter to citizenship and immigration Canada asking for an extension on Part II for my baby's citizenship. Just walked to the mailbox to mail the letter and sent it off with a little prayer!.....Anyhow, as others have reported, our agency director left for Vietnam today and will be there for three weeks. Hopefully during these weeks there may be some news, and of course the infinite hope is that it is good news and not more bad news........in other news, I got an email inviting me to a conference being held in a city in north eastern Italy, to both make a presentation, as well as possibly exhibit some of my artwork.....very exciting but just as I got excited I also realized I could not so easily say yes at the moment..... it is so very hard to plan for with not knowing how the adoption journey will unfold....the conference is at the end of April 2011 and I'd love to go....However will have to wait and see.....I think this is the hardest part of the adoption journey for me right now. (as I know it is for others too)...with the earlier news that I should have had a referral by the end of February, I was planning on possibly travelling in the summer, and then being on parental leave in the fall, but have had to readjust my work world....I work on research contracts and teaching and artwork sales etc...but my work world while stable, requires some juggling as it isn't a 9-5 job that I will just leave etc....so this has contributed to some stress especially with having such wide changes in what I was told to expect....as one friend said, I have always been good at juggling various hats, so what's another one thrown in the mix!!...I guess most of the other hats I'm already familiar with them and know what to expect, but the adoption hat is a new one and while I have thrown it in the air, it has not come down yet in any sort of familiar pattern....sooooooo as B.'s blog says....I continue to wish, wonder, and wait......

Summer time and the waiting isn't easy....

I haven't really posted in a while as I guess I'm trying to get my heart out of my stomach. I also don't know how honest I can be on this blog for others to read, but as I've said in the past, I wish I had not been told what I had been told last November because the news more recently has not been good....I guess I keep asking myself, if there are so many babies needing homes, then why the slow down?....should the orphanages not be in distress with caring for so many babies?...anyhow these are only a couple of questions that I am asking myself....some of the same questions I asked myself before I firmly committed to going through with this....as you all know we are asked to explore our reasons for wanting to adopt...we are questioned inside and out....and then when we finally know we are ready, we hit the road block of really having no control over any of this and really not understanding why the delay, why medicals aren't happening...are these children being referred to other countries? Anyhow while I can appreciate that there are things out of our control, I also don't understand why the agency does not know why the referrals aren't coming in? I know it is an act of faith to go through this journey, but sometimes I wonder if it is so hard, is it really meant to be.....I guess ultimately what I have always wanted was for this process to be more humane....people working together...and yet all I feel is that I'm contacted to update paperwork, and yet it doesn't feel very satisfying to continue to deal with paper work etc. etc.... anyhow as you can imagine there are so many mixed feelings....I am told it will all work out, but at the moment, as I said, I continue to try to get my heart out of my stomach..

....so in terms of what I know....yesterday I mailed off Medical #3....my doctor was able to sign it but had her own concerns with why this is taking so long...it was hard to try to explain to her...she of course is concerned with my stress level and my health...I'm not getting any younger.....but she was able to sign the form...then yesterday I finally got through to the Citizenship office....about 5-6 phone calls...they cut you off when they have too many waiting....anyhow I need to ask for an extension on the Citizenship Part 2 form....for those going this route...Part 1 is issued and Part 2 has a two year expiry date from the date that Part 1 is issued. So I would have to apply for the citizenship of my child before October of this year... Of course that isn't going to happen, so hence my need to extend it. As I told M. and D. not sure if I just happened on an agent that made it all seem more complicated, but she wanted me to give a reason for the delay...and sort of suggested, "taking longer than anticipated" wasn't a good enough reason?? anyhow I will be sending off that letter this weekend and the agency doesn't think this should be a problem as others have just stated that they are still waiting for a referral and then the Part 2 is extended for another year....so that is where that stands.....

...probably why I am feeling so low is because a few weeks ago I did get some info.....was told to "Possibly" anticipate that I might have to update the homestudy...it expires in October...and as you can appreciate...if i would have to do that, that means there will be no referral all summer long and into the fall....there are some issues that have come up, at the Vietnam side that D. doesn't think should be a problem, but "might"....and she's hoping that I won't have to update the homestudy, but "might"....this is the part where I still can't accept that....and what has got me very down ...so from being told last November that the referral should come within three months "if all goes well" to now being asked to come to terms with facing the possibility that I might not get a referral until after October?? requiring updates on more paperwork....has left me tongue tied and very very sad.....so still not sure if I'll post this but if you're reading it then I have....

....one little nibble of news that is good, but again one that I'm not sure I can really hang on to as other nibbles have gone by the wayside.....is that it will "most likely" be a boy....so I find myself trying to trust in that news but also cautiously not trust in it too.....anyhow am trying to find courage in others who have gone before...one family who is arriving back tomorrow has had a much rockier road than mine, so I try to find strength in their courage to persevere and have faith that it will all happen, and that I will be a mom and that there is a little boy in Vietnam waiting for my arms, and waiting for us to become a family....

....as friends have said, this will be my last summer as a single person so I should enjoy it.....as I mentioned in the beginning of this long post...I have been working on getting my heart out of my stomach and trying to look forward...

...it is a beautiful sunny day here in Ottawa, Italian week is beginning and I have been invited to the gala dinner tonight...my first.....

Montreal moment....

Medical #3 or was it #4.....

Well the news I got yesterday was that I should go ahead and update the medical....needless to say was not very happy to hear that. I get knots in my stomach every time more and more paperwork needs to be done and no referral in sight.....

Deadlines...

Well I'm sitting on my deck with my morning coffee...a beautiful day is unfolding here and yet all I think of is logging on to check to see if there is any news....and sadly there is not....on Friday I contacted my agency to see if I should go ahead and update my medical. It expires on June 15, and while it is still a month away, I want to make sure to get an appt. etc...Not sure at this point if I'll have to then pay for a new medical and/or if my doctor will just sign a new form; however, don't want to have any "paperwork" glitches etc....Anyhow so depending on what response I get, that is if they say to get another medical then my wait continues, if they say that the one they have is good, then perhaps my wait won't be for much longer....in the meantime I continue to try to keep busy...M. and her daughter visited last weekend, but it was rainy etc. The tulip photo I posted was taken by M., and we managed despite the cold and rain to get some good pictures as the tulip festival is in full swing here in Ottawa. Needless to say while we were there, I imagined next year visiting dow's lake with my child and it seems that in addition to the tulips, my focus was on all the babies with their families....so....all this to say, I wait and wait, and then when I think I can't wait any longer, I wait some more........

Tulip Festival