It has been a month of changes, some good, and some not so good. And it has been a hard week too. On Wednesday it was the 8 year anniversary of the death of my father and for some reason this year it was harder than it was in other years. Perhaps it is because now that I am a mother, I feel connected to him not as my father but as a parent and understand now how hard it must have been for them, juggling a new country, a new language, a new family, and four children and the financial pressures they must have been under. It hasn't been easy with Matteo at times, especially when I have been stressed, and I am not as patient with him, and he is not as patient with me etc...While it was really my mother who did all the child raising, she could not have done so without the role my father played to. So I understand him on a whole different level. On Sunday when everyone is remembering September 11, for the tragedy of the twin towers in New York, I will be thinking of my father as his funeral was held on September 11, 2003. However I am realizing that I am fortunate to have two photos of my father holding me in his arms when I was a baby. One was taken outside of our house, which is the house I am presently living in with Matteo, and the second one, was taken in the kitchen (which is now our kitchen) at my baptism. I am wearing the same gown that Matteo wore at his baptism. I am very happy to have these and they have become even more meaningful as I take memorable photos of me and Matteo that one day will be his keepsakes. Here they are.
As I believe I've mentioned, Matteo started full time day care on August 1st and this has been a transition and adjustment for both of us and while we are still transitioning, we are mostly doing very well with it. For me, it was not so much guilt I have been feeling when he isn't with me, but moreso a feeling of longing...the only way I can describe it is that longing to see someone you are in love with and I guess I am in love with my son....when I work (or try to) work from home, I hear his voice and look up and think he is here. But he is with Papa Woody and his new friends at daycare. It has been hard as I've said before, adjusting to not being with him as we have been together for the majority of time since November 22, the G&R day.
I do feel grateful that I have been able to get him out of daycare early and spend more time with him before supper. My work has not been as productive as I would have liked but have managed to finish off one contract, with only a few loose threads to tie off. The second one, I am behind on, but will continue to plug away as my teaching year begins. I know there will be times where I will not be able to get him early, nor take a day off here and there as I planned, but for now I'm trying to take it one day at a time and not stress too much about the realization that this will be reality for a long time to come, Matteo in daycare, then school, and I won't see him during the days....it came too quickly!! I had hoped to be able to work something out where I was working from home more, which I have, but the reality is it is impossible to work and take care of Matteo at the same time.
I am not loving that I am tired a lot. I try to go to bed early but even when I do, I never seem to fall asleep. I am not loving the 5:30 wake ups. I am not loving that I am starting to really understand that I am a single parent and can never consider staying home for 3 years until Matteo starts school, because there is noone else to bring in the money to support us. I am not loving that winter is coming and Matteo hates getting into the snowsuit (though I hope that has changed....)....and I am not loving that summer is really almost over. I am writing this from the deck and it is a beautiful night out tonight. I hope there are a few more like this (though I do sometimes still come out to sit with a cup of coffee into the cool fall evenings.) I am not loving feeling stressed at times because there is always something to do...(bathrooms are on the agenda this weekend!!) as well, I hope, as visitng the ducks at Dow's lake.....
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...So, forward from here....The other transition is that Matteo is now walking....everyone "warned" me about this as if it was a bad thing...but so far I am loving that I can take a walk and hold my son's hand. I am loving that he is more and more independent. I am loving that he is starting to use a few words. I am loving that he can use a sippy cup much better now. I am loving that he drinks juice (with lots of water). I am loving that he is so curious. I am loving that he loves that he can walk. I am loving that he is bringing books to me to read to him more and more. I am loving that he understands so much of what I share with him. I am loving that he has a sense of humour. I am loving that he loves to dance. I am loving that he loves music. I am loving that he is bonding with Papa Woody and when we were at the park the other day, he wanted to go to him, even though I was there. I am loving that he can help me turn off the light switch as well as turn it on. I am loving that he wants to help me wash the dishes but of course he just wants to play. I am loving that he can already climb some play structures and come down the slide all by himself (I'll post the video.) I am loving that I don't have to carry him up to bed as he insists on climbing those stairs all by himself, sometimes crawling up and sometimes walking up standing and hanging on to the rail with both hands and mommy just behind him. I love that he goes easily to sleep at night and except for the occasional dream or disruption, he sleeps through the night. I am loving that I can see it in his eyes that he is so happy to see me and I hope he can see it in mine. I am loving that sometimes in the mornings when he first wakes, he doesn't wakes crying but instead I can hear him playing in his crib, and then I hear him call "Mamma." I am loving being a "Mamma."
Here is a photo of Matteo with Papa Woody and I believe that is Max in the background and Vanh reading the book. I love this photo too.
