Time to stop UNICEF's destruction of International Adoption

To read two articles that continue to try to expose the damage UNICEF Is doing…please click here.

Please consider not donating/funding UNICEF's efforts….Halloween boxes should remain empty.

Celebrating Malia's 1st, 2nd and 3rd birthdays early…..

Autumn Moon colours

Some sad news…..

…..on September 21st we got some terrible news about our dear agency director. She had been battling cancer and I knew her battle was continuing; however, like many, we thought she would fight through this latest challenge….but sadly she didn't.  I wrote this piece below and posted it on my Facebook and her Facebook page…..she is such a huge part of my family's story as she was for many others.  Her obituary can be found by following the link through her name below.  I also love the photo I've posted below. An image does speak volumes.

Dearest Dorinda Carosella Cavanaugh, it is so so very hard to accept this news. I am heartbroken. 

Every time I look into the faces and especially the smiles of my children (I have no photos of them smiling when they were at the orphanages) I see the village of people who worked hard to bring us together into my precious family. 

I see you especially -- you are/were the soul / the matriarch leading the way at TDH with your love, faith, hope, and especially your compassion -- your belief that all children deserved to grow up in a loving family of their own. 

I still remember our first email communication. I was inquiring about Vietnam adoption. You were in Vietnam and answered me within a few minutes of getting my message. Those messages back and forth were the beginning of our relationship that tied us to Vietnam and to each other. Then a few years later with your phone call where on a Friday night after work, as our phone calls missed each other, you pulled over in your car so you could call me on your cell phone and deliver the wonderful news that I was going to be the mother of a little boy, a son and I didn't have to wait a whole long weekend for your call back on Monday. Then when we met in person in Vietnam when I held Matteo in my arms we chatted in the Somerset lobby couch, as if we had known each other a lifetime. You were now family too (despite that we shared an Italian heritage). This past July you delivered the news to me by phone, again on a cell phone in a car, that article 17 had been issued (after some additional hurdles) by the Ministry of Children clearing the way for Malia's adoption. You helped with our travel plans and in the wee hours of the morning when our hotel problem was solved, the day before our departure, you sent a short message wishing us a wonderful trip!! Your personal attention was so appreciated in what at times felt like an inhumane paperwork mountain.

I know I have told you this recently but will say it again. Thank you and all of the TDH family for the work you have done to bring me and my children together. 

Your work, love and spirit will live on in my family and in all the families that your work, dedication and courage helped create. You have made a tremendous difference in lives and especially in recent years where international adoption has become more bureaucratic and challenging despite the fact that there are still so many children who are in need of help and loving families. 

Your focus was always on the children. You loved them with all your heart and worked tirelessly for them and for all of us despite your own recent personal health challenges with cancer. Your focus continued to be on them and trying to match as many children with families as you could. 

I love you and will never forget you. I will make sure that Matteo and Malia know you too.

You have left this world a better and richer place for all you gave and the love you shared. Your spirit will never die though we have lost an amazing woman. 

Condolences to your own wonderful family. I thank them too for sharing you with us. I pray they will find peace in knowing you are no longer in any pain but I know they will miss you terribly. 

Good bye Dorinda. 

Grazie dal cuore. Riposa in pace. 

Francesca, Matteo Bao e Malia Song Nhi.

One month anniversary!

Well I've been Malia's mommy now for one month (Viet Nam time)…..and things are going mostly well!  When we arrived home all the progress we had made in Vietnam vanished and there was real regression….and there was jet lag….and exhaustion….I think the jet lag is gone, the exhaustion maybe not….Malia and Matteo are settling into a sort of routine though not everything will stay the same….Matteo is back at school and other than being in a huge JK/SK class that we hope will be split in the next week or so (praying and letter writing) we are trying to enjoy the beautiful days…weather wise it is like summer all over again.

….As for Malia, she is learning and growing and understanding more each day though she still has her very shrill crying when she doesn't get her way….I am getting better at trying to make sure she is not overtired, or has lots of choice, or understand her needs, but she still resorts to this scream when she is tired, angry, scared, frustrated etc…crying is one thing but many wouldn't believe the screaming capabilities of this little quiet sensitive little soul…survival in the orphanage meant getting attention in this way….helping her learn she doesn't need to do that will take time I guess.

…as for sleeping, well we are doing some co-sleeping….when we arrived she had absolutely no difficulty in accepting her crib which was in with Matteo so that they shared a room for now…but of course needed me to be there when she fell asleep and woke up….I could leave and then sleep in my room but she usually woke up once and then the screaming started, regardless of Matteo being in the room….so I would then take her to my room and I had set up a playpen next to the bed which she also went into willingly….we tried this routine and tried to help her learn to call out if she could instead of the screaming…sometimes her screaming woke Matteo too but at other times not….she still wants and prefers to stay in the crib in his room (until she wakes up and realizes I'm not there)….but now that school has started I explain to her that she can't sleep in this room etc…or try to explain….during the day her naps are in this crib, and on weekends we do start her off there, again as she wants this, but during the week, I can't afford to have Matteo not get a good night's sleep!

We are hoping she will grow in trust and be able to sleep through the night so that she can sleep in with Matteo. They have a fun night routine of lots of giggling…mommy is tired but they find ways to amuse each other….I need to have more patience at this point…and am trying to find and think of how I can give them individual attention at bedtime…not possible…Malia usually has her bottle with me in with Matteo so I sing to them both, but then we retire to my bedroom….I need my sleep so any options of my sleeping in with both of them were quickly tossed aside.  I am taking my cue from her too so hopefully the fact that she prefers the crib in Matteo's room will at least down the road help them and/or I hope, help them with their relationship….they might only be sharing a room for another year or so, but for now I had hoped it could help them….so far, not sure….again she is very happy to be there, he is getting better with her being there, but not happy when we leave. So some happiness and unhappiness all around.

What Matteo is happy about is that we decided to turn our spare bedroom into a playroom…our third bedroom is on the 3rd floor (eventually this will be Matteo's room) and it has a sofa bed with an extra mattress.  It has been folded up and now we have spent the last few weeks transferring toys, especially the trains to this room so that Matteo can set this up….our living room was getting too congested and the living/play area will include toys that can be brought up or down and the table area for writing, drawing, reading etc….and the eventual homework. This has been great for Matteo as he lost some of his space in his bedroom which is now both his and his sister's…and this has become an area that Matteo (and the cats) can retreat too.  He doesn't nap anymore so when it is nap time or rest time for both Mommy and Malia on the weekend, Matteo goes up here to play.  Malia will also play there but only if Mommy or another adult are around.

So all of this, plus Malia's 1st, 2nd and 3rd birthdays' party have been keeping me busy.  It is definitely a different journey adopting an older child. In some ways Malia is still just a baby as she is so small it is easy to cuddle and hold her, but at other times when I see the little personality, I see how she is already her own person….it is hard for her to adjust to us, though I know she is happy to be with us, and hard for Mommy to learn about her and try to work with where she's at and especially hard for big brother who is really the one who has had the most difficult time….however, on all fronts there has been progress, sometimes in great strides and at other times, some baby steps…I'm not sure if we're where we were when we were still in Viet nam as I do feel by the end of our stay lots of good had happened….I think Matteo is doing better, Malia is still not fully where she was…of course there has been a lot more to deal with here….and Mommy is just so glad to be home and so glad we are on this side of the adoption and not on the waiting side….it really is so so so much better here regardless of where any of us are at!

Some photos of our two weeks back…

A special dress from Zia Rosalba….Malia loves dresses.

A lovely gift from a special friend!

First day of SK.

Dropping Matteo off at school.

Malia loves trucks and playing in the sand

Travel memories and baby steps to settling back home….

Well we've been home a full week and had we not been able to change our return flights, we would have been in travel mode today and I am so so so so grateful that we've had this week at home…while there are still some challenges…we are so doing better especially where jet lag is concerned!!….Matteo is back at school and I'm trying to sort out some kind of routine for Malia while also getting some of her documents ordered…

I think I am only now starting to feel the immense gratitude and relief that I remember came after the adoption process was really over.  I know parenting will continue for the rest of my life, but it is nice to start to feel that I am not "waiting" anymore….

…anyhow I did want to try to record some of our experiences so I wouldn't forget these things so will try to record some of the travel experiences with Malia and Matteo.

…Malia is a bit motion sick though I had not seen any of this until our travel day.  I brought three changes of clothing for her and two for Matteo and diapers and pull-ups that I thought should be enough for everyone (one change of clothing for me)!  Well two hours into our journey and Malia was already into her third set…..on the way to the airport in the taxi I unfortunately didn't catch her feeling queazy in time and about 10 minutes from the airport Malia got sick…all of my wipes and bags etc…were in the back of the taxi in my backpack and fortunately had a wonderful taxi man who I could tell was a dad (or had seen everything in his cab)…he quickly pulled out some wet wipes and a plastic bag and opened the windows for some cooler air (there was some)…I cleaned her up as much as I could and the cab seat too…. the taxi driver helped by putting all the luggage on a cart for me and just went a bit further than he needed even after my daughter soiled his cab…the smell was there after we left…this is the kind of thing I remember about some of the people we met…generous of spirit and heart …..after checking into Cathay I planned to change her clothes, so this was now her second set.…Cathay was really quite wonderful to  us too….on check-in we were sent through the priority line and then when the agent saw that I was on my own, she made a point of trying to send notices to different checkpoints….as we had changed our seats, we actually weren't sitting together on the etickets but this was going to be changed which I knew….and she made a point of showing how they would do what they could to support us….

….after going through customs and security we headed for the washroom…I decided not to give Malia any of her milk but stuck to water…I also tried to get her to take a children's gravel, she spit it out…!!….and decided to go minimal on food but sadly on our HCMC to Hong Kong flight…. after a short nap, she woke up, wanted to eat something…and then proceeded to throw up again!…..Again I cleaned her up, changed her clothes and then when we landed reorganized my carryon etc…and again tried with the gravol and tried to explain to her about her getting sick…somehow she understood but I also gave Matteo one and she followed suit and chewed it up! THANKFULLY!  Anyhow she ended up not eating much, but not getting sick on the longer flight…when it was time to sleep she slept on me for the first few hours, though she moved a LOT…Matteo got the two seats….once he woke up, he watched tv. and as she was so tiny I propped her on one seat with a loosened seat belt around her and she managed to sleep a lot better….the rest of the flight was uneventful except for the fact that Matteo kept waking me up after I started to get some serious sleep, I think he didn't' want to be the only one awake….also this time around Matteo, unlike when we travelled to Vietnam, Matteo had achieved some independence at the hotel with going to washrooms at various parts of the hotel and didn't need me to go with him, was perfectly happy to go to the washroom on his own on the planes too…I could see the washroom from my seat on the longer flight and a couple of times saw some people helping him open the doors which can be challenging…so we had a lot of help ….and all went well!

….anyhow Cathay again showed me their attention to detail as we left the plane in Toronto there was a Cathay agent with a card and our names on it…she gave us a personal escort through to the priority line in customs.  Unlike with my adoption of Matteo, noone asked me for documents not through Vietnam customs nor Canadian…but here, this Canadian border officer, first asked about the temporary passport and I explained about the adoption…..she then asked if I had documents….I was a bit surprised and of course tired and tried to keep Matteo from jumping around…so I dug into my backpack and brought out my two files of documents…but first I remembered that at the Canadian embassy when I picked up the passport, the agent there gave me a letter that she told me to show to Customs in Canada if they ask….so this is what I did, it was a letter basically stating that they have granted Malia Canadian citizenship…her name is on it, my name etc…and explains the details…after I gave the custom's agent this, I pulled out the original Vietnamese birth certificate, the Adoption order and the G&R ceremony record and was about to pull out the translated and notarized copies of these three documents when she said, she didn't' need to see them and all was fine…after that, she cleared us through….!!

….anyhow I think for now that's all I'll say, but just want to really impress that I was impressed with Cathay…they also checked in with us on the longer flight…I mentioned about Malia's motion sickness and they brought extra bags, towels and ginger ale whenever I wanted it….anyhow while everyone was worried about us with travelling alone, it really turned out better then expected…Matteo was still acting out related to his new sister, but really, Matteo is a good traveller, and Malia who slept a lot, ended up also doing quite well…I did have to use those tiny washrooms to change Malia but she managed to stay still unlike what I remember with Matteo when he was a baby who would not let me change him…..we were so happy to be home and are still very happy…we do miss Viet Nam and I think I am only now appreciating how much we did and saw and the miraculous and amazing experience and gift we had with this opportunity of adding to our family by adopting Malia.

Home safe and sound!!