Malia Nhi….

Well it has a been a busy week here in HCMC for adoptions…there are three families from Ireland who are in the process of waiting for post-adoption paperwork to process - passports and such and three Canadian families with out TDH agency that also completed adoptions last week and are in the process of awaiting passports and such…that is that I know of….so it is great to be here and to get to know some of these families….sometimes life long bonds come from these beginnings!…..I was sad to learn that the process for adoptions in Ireland is also plagued with many delays and bureaucratic mumble jumbles……another single parent here also completing her second adoption took 8 years…her 10 year old was 2 when she started the process….so those of us in Canada can compare and in many instances our 4 years pale in comparison!!

….anyhow have been wanting to write but of course a combination of trying to settle into somewhat of a rhythm  and adjustment both to the addition of a new person in our family as well as my sister's absence and tiredness have plagued me. I really don't feel that my tiredness has a lot to do with the children and more with the emotional exhaustion of the worry and fret of the adoption process coming really to an end…I will now worry and fret over my children but I will never again have to await anyone else's decision on the structure of my family!! We have been on our own for about 4 days now and really feel blessed that Malia is really doing so well….Matteo has had some very rough moments including tonight which was the roughest and after crying and screaming about how hard it was and then talking…somehow he got some of his frustrations out about sharing mommy and also feeling like he was losing me somehow…..after this episode, just before bedtime my two little ones were playing and jumping around in mommy's bedroom and playing "together" for the first time!!….I didn't dare say anything, just enjoyed listening to them laughing….!!!!

….I am continually in awe of the whole adoption process, frustrated by it but also humbled by it and in the end feel so strongly that while it would have been in the best interests of these children to be in the loving arms of their birth families; however, that not being the journey they were on, then Malia, like Matteo before her has come to the right family where her needs and ours have been met in a connection I could never have imagined.  My two are so much alike in some ways and I think, given time, will have a wonderful relationship.  Malia is so smart…she is blowing kisses and already knows at least 6 different expressions in sign language that we are using already.  She understands so much of what I ask of her and she is able to express her needs so well.  She also is learning some English already…when I point to nose, ears, eyes and mouth…she points to hers and repeats words…she does that with other things too…she is not yet using the English but is definitely understanding connections…..

…when we're at home in the apartment she is laughing and singing and feels very much at home and her personality is wide open…when we're out and about, her grim face comes on and she becomes the observer looking and taking in everything around her.  She is also starting to feel comfortable with people around the hotel that we see often..the restaurant staff know Matteo by name and as our hotel is very near the pool and restaurant, this has come in handy and Matteo has been able to walk to the restaurant with our room service order (our phone is sometimes working and sometimes not)….and he has felt very responsible when he has done that….we also worked out an arrangement with the restaurant that when we order from them, we could also borrow a high chair and we'd put it outside with the dishes when we were done…this has helped so much…Malia is able to eat on her own but is baby enough that I also try to feed her to bond with her and to know how much she is eating…she still is on formula so this is great for bonding…..the restaurant staff has been wonderful to welcome her but she's not there yet with being comfortable with them but is comfortable enough that we can still go to breakfast…she can sit in her high chair while I get our food from the breakfast buffet…of course I choose a table where she is close…but in the first couple of days if she didn't see me she would start crying….now she is fine for a few minutes not seeing me….though she still follows me around in the apartment from room to room and will sit and play in the kitchen when I'm doing dishes or getting lunch ready…

Our only issue is at bedtime but even this I can't complain about…she refused to get in the crib or have me leave the room before she was fully asleep…we were co-sleeping and Matteo moved into the third bedroom as he could not handle her crying..(now he's in zia's bedroom)…and Malia was sleeping in the big bed with me…this went well for two nights where she hardly moved in bed…but I guess as she relaxed more she started to move a lot in bed (like Matteo) and on the third night she had kicked the pillows on the edge away and she was close to the edge…of course I had a sleepless night keeping my eye on her that she wouldn't fall off the bed…and realized this was not going to work..so I have now propped her crib along the bed, folded down one side (which is what these cribs here can do) and Mali can easily climb out of in onto the bed but when she's asleep in it, she is protected and yes does move around still….she usually wakes up once a night and starts to whimper that she is in the crib (the first night she screamed when I tried to put her in)..and when singing and patting I am able to get her back to sleep…she usually wakes early and when it is near morning and I hear her I encourage her to get out of the crib herself so she feels in control and hopefully not trapped by it…and then she nestles in beside me..by then I'm usually awake and she doesn't move as much….however it is at bedtime that we have had the most crying/screaming….on the second night after I had even put her in the big bed, and I hadn't got in yet, and I went to the bathroom well did we hear screams…so she doesn't go into the big bed until we're all ready for bed…anyhow I am still trying different things and realize that things might have to be changed for what we were planning at home but this I knew already….

….all the worries and fears of the transition for us anyhow have gone so much better and feel grateful for that….from talking and even seeing the others, I know that wasn't the case…one of the other little boys was still crying all the time and looked like a rag doll when he was out with his parents and older brother and yesterday it was so wonderful to see him laughing and playing in the pool with his brother and father……grieving takes many forms….I think Malia's grieving happens at night…I hear her crying in her sleep and then she stops….these children go through so much….Malia as I mentioned in my last blog post left the orphanage and never looked back…she shows me daily how happy she is that she is experiencing what she is and there is so much laughter….(hoping to catch some photos of this)….this of course has made this transition so wonderful for us….giving me more time to try to help Matteo deal with his grief too at our family changing dramatically and for ever.

Anyhow I'm glad to have had the energy tonight to update everyone who has been wondering how we're faring….really we are better than we could have imagined but are under no illusions that there will be challenges ahead.  For me the really challenge will be when I return to being a working single mom next year…but for now, I'll just treasure this time that we have to transition and enjoy the change in our family in the best way we can.

Thank you for the comments and messages from those who have posted.  I hope to continue to blog as we continue to wait for our Vietnamese and Canadian passports.  For now I am leaving you with my new favourite photo of Malia Nhi, her blowing kisses to me. So from our home away from home to yours we're sending you kisses.